children in need // anna

[cael]

Your name is CAEL UCCELLO, and you currently have your little sister snuggled against your breasts.

This time, though, you're not actually trying to make her uncomfortable. That would be counter-intuitive. Or maybe it wouldn't. You don't actually know.

What do you know is that sometimes people need hugs and cuddles and breasts, and you are there to provide all three.

You worry about Anna, you really do. You wish you could get her out of Italy, and not even just to the US -- to the rest of Europe (though maybe not the east), maybe Asia, definitely Australia. Not that you have anything against Italy, really. Except you really kind of do.

There are too many memories here, and though you know that no one can run from their past, you think that maybe a bit of untainted air would do Anna some good.

Besides, she needs to work on her English. She still calls you sorella and that is just not acceptable.

[vio]

Your name is ANNA UCCELLO, and you're not here right now.

The world has faded into varying shades of grey. Everything is flat and fake, like the backdrop of a play just as the curtain is dropping.

You can't leave the theater.

You know it's not real, of course. You can still move, if you try, but it doesn't feel like you. The sensation of your sister's arms around you is very far away. It only barely reaches you here in your theater, watching the world outside like a play that just won't end. You want it to end. You want it to be over so badly.

[cael]

You never know what do when this happens.

Usually you just hold her until it passes, and you try to figure out what day it is and when Anna's next visit with the psychman is. You don't know what day it is unless you have to work -- which you don't -- but you do know that one of her appointments is on Thursdays, and you are absolutely certain that she already went once this week.

Thursday, then. You resolve to find out today's day later.

You can't stand the quiet anymore, though, so you talk about how no one at work takes you seriously until you put your glasses on, and sometimes you think you're a reverse Superman because you don't kick serious booty in court until those glasses are on your face, and for some reason no one actually cares that you have pink hair?? though the judge usually gives you a weird look like 'gurl what u doin in my court wit dat hair' but then you make your opening statement and the judge is just like 'gurl u fine'

and you think you may have accidentally slept with the judge after your last case was closed.

"but thats not a big deal, right, because the case is already closed, and its not like i slept with him during the case, though it would be really awkward if he was a judge for another case because then he'd probably be biased even though he shouldn't be, and then that would really just suck," you continue, chewing on your lip and hugging Anna closer.

You wonder if Anna has a girlfriend.

You ask her if she has a girlfriend, and you very much hope it's someone who's equally underage, because you really like some of Anna's friends and sometimes people you really like accidentally becomes a friend of yours, though that doesn't happen if the person you like is underage because that's not legal, sistah, and you usually abide exactly by the law.

[vio]

You manage to pull the levers that move your arms, wrapping your arms around your sister. It comes across as half-hearted. It isn't.

It's hard to keep track of what she's saying. The world is a noir film with the volume turned low. "I have a crush," you say, not knowing if it's in English, Italian or Russian. "I think. Maybe. I don't know."

It's hard to know how you feel when you can't feel anything.

Time passes. You don't know how much. "Where are we?"

[cael]

You press your cheek against the top of Anna's head and hum into her hair, and you smile when she finally speaks up. You think about asking her who it is, then decide against it. You kind of get what's happening to her, from what her therapist told you of the condition in general, but you don't really get it. You don't know what's going through her head, and you're a little afraid to know, and you don't want to push her too much. You'll ask her when she's better.

So you just keep holding her. You think you fell asleep at one point, but when you snorted yourself awake only an hour had passed since the last time you checked, so it was okay.

It's getting dark when Anna speaks again.

"Home," you tell her, "on the couch. Are you feeling any better?"

[vio]

"A little," you tell her, not sure if you're telling the truth or not. You manage to glance at your watch. Holy shit you lost a lot of time. "I'm really sorry I ruined your day."

You hate yourself for that. Then again, hating yourself is nothing new.

[cael]

You yawn and stretch a leg to work out the cramp that's beginning to form, and then you cuddle Anna even harder. She doesn't get enough cuddles, you think, and you think of the crush she mentioned. Maybe she can get more cuddles from that girl, whoever she is.

You resolve to get into detective matchmaking mode as soon as this is over.

You shrug and yawn again. "Don't worry 'bout it, sistah. It's not like I was doing anything anyway."

You pause for a minute, and you frown, just a little bit. "Really, though, don't worry about ruining my day or whatever. You let me know when this happens, okay? Every time."

You look at your own watch and stifle another yawn. It wasn't that late, but. Maybe some sleep would do her good. If she could sleep. You don't actually know. "Aaaaaanyway, bedtime? Whaddya think?"

[vio]

"I will," you lie. Lying is always easier for you than telling the truth. You're working on it.

You're not that tired. What you are is hungry. But you've ruined enough for today. You've ruined enough for a lifetime. You feel a faint sting, far away, and realize that you're pinching your wrist. Hard. You stop and hope your sister didn't notice. Nobody wants to look at you. You're all ugly scars and uglier pain. "Yes. Good night, sis."

It takes you a while to find the levers to make your body move. You manage a hug.